


please don’t take my sweet sunshine away

by changpil



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends, Brief mention of homophobia, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Suicide, VERY brief mention of self-harm, a couple swears, brief mentions of violence, everyone is the same age, felix dislikes changbin in the beginning but only for like a paragraph, implied minsung, very brief mention of child mental abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 03:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15282324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changpil/pseuds/changpil
Summary: changbin is felix’s sunshine. felix is changbin’s brightest star.this story follows the development of seo changbin and lee felix’s relationship throughout high school, seen through changbin’s eyes.





	please don’t take my sweet sunshine away

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags (all of them!!!) and make sure you’re comfortable with them before reading this story! enjoy :-) oh, and find me on twitter if you’d like to give feedback or just talk - @/peachlix

lee felix was, frankly, sick of being alive.

his mom left his dad when he was twelve years old, but that was kind of a relief. at least he didn't have to hear the fighting after that.

his dad blamed felix for his mother abandoning them. typical.

felix’s father did not hit. he yelled, though. he said things he shouldn’t.

it hurt just the same.

lee felix was involved in too much that he shouldn't have been. the few friends that he had had left him when they saw what he was becoming, and felix didn't blame them. he would've left too.

lee felix went from being the boy with the brightest smile, the boy who lit up any room he walked into, the boy that could make anyone swoon, to the boy who constantly had earbuds in, the boy who had scrapes and bruises and scars all over from supposedly getting into fights (but that wasn't true), the boy who was ready to throw away his life because he thought he couldn't do any better.

seo changbin watched it happen.

seo changbin had a good life. his parents were together, he was a good student, he was involved in clubs, he was even considered popular. he knew what he wanted to do with his life, and he had an idea of who he wanted to be.

the one thing that changbin didn't, couldn't have planned for, was lee felix.

lee felix hated seo changbin. he didn't really have a reason, all he knew was that changbin had it easy. or, at least, easier. while that was true, felix would come to find that he wasted too much time hating someone who never deserved it. to quote felix, "boys like changbin don't deserve to be treated like anything less than the angels they are".

seo changbin liked lee felix. well, no, not like _that_. changbin didn't have feelings for felix; he didn't really know anything about him. changbin just liked watching felix smile when a song he liked came on, blaring loud enough through his earbuds that changbin could hear it. changbin liked that felix listened to bubblegum pop, even though everyone else assumed it was screamo or something since felix never bothered to correct them, and they were all too afraid to ask. changbin liked seeing how many of felix's freckles he could count before felix noticed he was staring. oh... changbin was staring again. he did that too often. to quote changbin, "boys like felix deserve to be known. boys like felix deserve to be listened to".

lee felix and seo changbin were an odd pair. however, they came to depend on each other, love each other, become each one's other half.

unfortunately for lee felix and seo changbin, all good things come to an end.

 

  
lee felix and seo changbin spoke for the first time when they were fifteen years old.

"listen, jisung, i'll help with that later. no, i gotta study for this exam right now. ji-... that's cool, sung, i'm glad minho didn't spit in your face when you tried to talk to him, but as i told y-... sungie. i need to _go_. yes! exam! next period! okay, bye, i'll see you at lunch, okay? tell me all about it then. promise!" changbin rolled his eyes as he tucked his phone back in his pocket, but he was smiling. he really did adore han jisung, even if he was far too energetic for changbin or, really, _anyone_ to deal with. jisung was a good kid, though, and changbin knew it. he'd keep jisung safe.

changbin tried not to break into a sprint as he hurried to his next class, eyes on his notes. of course, changbin should have been more aware of his surroundings. his shoulder collided with someone else's bicep.

"ah, i'm sorry, i should've been paying atten-" changbin began to apologize, as it really was his fault.

"no, i should've watched where i was going," a much deeper voice than his own responded. changbin's eyes widened as his gaze fell on lee felix, who was rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly

_is that how he sounds?_

_...was that an accent?_

"oh! i guess we... both played a part in this, then," changbin responded hesitantly, cheeks slightly more pink than they had been before changbin had gotten himself caught up in this extremely uncomfortable situation. this did not go unnoticed by felix, whose own face was gaining color.

"yeah," he replied flatly. changbin became significantly more nervous. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on if present changbin or future changbin was observing the choices made), he also became more bold.

"hey, why don't you talk more?" he inquired, genuinely curious. felix flushed and narrowed his eyes a bit.

"i dunno, why?" he answered simply.

"you have a nice voice." blushes turned darker on both ends.

"oh. thank you?"

"yeah."

silence.

"so anyway, it was nice to finally hear your voice!" a bright smile was stretched across changbin's face. felix bit back a grin.

"i'll try to talk more for you, since you... like my voice," felix promised. changbin could feel himself becoming redder by the minute.

"really? that's so-" the bell rang.

changbin seriously could not get out a full sentence.

"oh my god, i gotta go to class!" changbin half-yelled to no one, half-said to felix. felix nodded, and changbin sped past him and into a close-by classroom. when he finally sat down in his desk, he immediately put his head down and giggled. changbin _giggled_. finally, he had spoken to the intriguingly tough but adorable boy who never said a word.

 

  
felix nodded, watching changbin scurry into a nearby room. when the hallways were empty (felix had algebra, but with no one to stop him from not going, he simply didn't), he slid down one of the lockers and almost curled in on himself, but he couldn't do that; he was still in public, after all.

 _you hate changbin, what are you doing?_ he asked himself desperately, trying (and failing) to find an excuse for the way he had melted after catching a glimpse of changbin's smile.

"felix, you useless gay," he whispered, which earned him a strange look from a passing upperclassman.

no. he couldn't like changbin.

lee felix promised himself then and there that he would never, ever fall for seo changbin.

felix never was good at keeping promises.

 

  
"CHANGBIN!" came a shriek from across the cafeteria. changbin winced as almost every pair of eyes in hearing distance turned towards either himself or the boy who had made the noise.

"yes, jisung?" changbin sighed, resigned. jisung rushed across the room, eyes sparkling as usual. he really was a cute kid, he could just be a bit... obnoxious.

"you said i could talk to you!" jisung reminded changbin, pouting a bit. changbin nodded absently, feeling someone watching him. he scanned the room, eyes locking with none other than lee minho. he raised an eyebrow, and minho shrugged, nodding towards jisung. changbin understood.

"hey, sung, i know you wanna tell me about minho, but i've just now noticed that he has lunch with us!" changbin said, smiling sympathetically as jisung turned rose red. he whipped around to be met with a waving and grinning minho.

"changbin, i'm sorry, but i have to go," jisung apologized hurriedly before storming off in minho's, who was laughing now, direction. changbin shrugged, snickering, and turned to see lee felix watching him with an intensity minho hadn't been. felix's eyes widened and moved instantly to the floor, seeming to find something very interesting there as he refused to look up. changbin smirked and raised an eyebrow before walking over.

by the time he had crossed the room, felix had pink climbing his cheeks and a mix of emotions had crossed his surprisingly soft features as he appeared to be having an internal argument.

"hey, felix," changbin greeted with a smile. felix glanced at him.

"hey." changbin wondered if felix had forgotten his promise to speak more.

"do you have anyone to sit with?" changbin questioned, almost... concerned? he was surprised at his own tone.

"n-no," felix stuttered, and as soon as it came out, changbin saw him cringe. without thinking, he put a hand on felix's shoulder. felix was growing more flustered by the second.

"well, do you wanna sit with me? we can talk more now that i have nowhere to go," changbin beamed. felix seemed like he was going to say no, but instead he let out a heavy sigh.

"yeah. sure, i'll sit with you," he muttered.

"great!" changbin exclaimed, immediately pulling felix by the arm to his and jisung's usual lunch table. changbin scanned the room for the energetic boy, finally finding him somewhere between talking to and yelling at minho. it was probably for the best that he wasn't sitting with changbin today; he couldn't scare felix away from the other side of the lunchroom. well... he probably wouldn't. he showed felix which table was theirs before yanking him over to the lunch line. when they returned, changbin wanted to find out more about the boy who never told anyone anything.

"so, felix," changbin began. felix‘s eyes flicked up nervously.

"i know, like, nothing about you. no one really does. so tell me about yourself," changbin requested. felix looked thoughtful, but he complied.

"uh, okay, um, my full name is lee felix, and i have a korean name, i just hate it so i don't tell anyone," felix started.

"you know, now that we're friends, you're gonna have to tell me your korean name someday," changbin teased. he could've sworn he saw a smile flicker across felix's face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared.

"we're... friends?" felix asked unsurely.

"yeah, of course! why, do you not like me?" changbin half-joked, half-seriously wondered.

"no, no, it's not that! it's just... i don't have any... other... friends," felix finished painfully. changbin frowned.

 _how could this boy not have friends?_ he asked himself. _he seems so... felix._

"oh, well, that's okay! it's their loss," changbin reassured him.

finally, felix genuinely smiled. changbin's eyes widened.

_this boy has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen._

"you're... a really good person, changbin," felix murmured. now it was changbin's turn to be flustered.

"th-thank you! okay, keep telling me stuff." changbin felt significantly warmer than he had a minute ago. felix nodded and thought for a bit.

"so, i'm from australia, which is why i have an accent." a lightbulb went off in changbin's head. he had definitely heard that felix was from australia before.

"i'm fifteen, but you already know i'm the same age as you. um... my hair's brown right now, and that's my natural hair color, but i like dyeing it. it's been ginger and blonde and black." felix looked more comfortable with each sentence. changbin nodded along with every word, completely entranced by felix's voice.

"i'm fluent in english. my birthday is september 15th. and... oh, and i can make a mosquito sound," felix ended his self-summary. changbin raised an eyebrow. felix rolled his eyes.

"i'm not doing it right now. everyone's already side-eyeing us for just sitting together," felix pointed out quietly. changbin's eyes moved quickly around the room. felix was right.

"felix, why don't they like you? did you do something that i don't know about?" changbin asked seriously. felix looked suddenly panicked and shook his head.

"no! no, i... i never did anything. people just started making up rumors about these..." felix gestured at a bruise on his arm. "i’m just really clumsy! they thought i got into fights or something, i think? i didn't. i can't fight for shit. do i look like someone who can fight?"

changbin looked him over. he had never really _seen_ felix before. his hair was dark and fluffy. his eyes were dark too, and if you didn't look, you probably would never notice the sparkle they had in them. his nose was small and had freckles stretched across the bridge. his lips were just a bit chapped, but they looked soft and- changbin's eyes shot back up to felix's when he realized he was staring.

"you look kind of soft," changbin said bluntly. felix laughed, and it was such a nice laugh, and changbin couldn't help but smile too.

_am i the first one to discover the person this boy really is?_

"well, you're not wrong. i am pretty soft," felix admitted. he seemed so much more relaxed now, and changbin found himself hoping that he could be someone felix could trust.

the bell rang then, and changbin and felix stood up to leave together, ignoring the whispers from curious classmates who barely even recognized felix as a human being. they walked into science together, one feeling beyond relieved, and one feeling happy to have made a new friend.

things were good.

good things always go by so quick, don't they?

 

  
during the first month of summer vacation, changbin invited felix to sleep over at his house. felix accepted the invitation. for the first time since elementary school, he was going to a sleepover.

when changbin heard a knock on the door, he ran so fast down the stairs that he actually tripped on the last one. luckily, he was so excited that he didn't even feel the impact of the coat rack.

he felt like a little kid again, and it felt good.

he answered the door to be met with a smiling felix, freckles even darker than when school ended.

"mom! felix is here!" he shouted in the direction of the kitchen, where his mother had gone after returning home with pizza.

"okay, come eat, then!" she yelled back. changbin turned his attention back to felix.

"are you hungry?" he asked, tilting his head a bit. felix nodded shyly. changbin grinned; he always was.

the boys did normal sleepover things, like play video games and eat and go on their phones and eat and basically anything that involved doing almost nothing. and they ate a lot. changbin had never seen felix so happy.

time passed by quicker than usual, and the pair found themselves laying on changbin's bedroom floor in sleeping bags at 3:26 AM.

"you know this was my first sleepover since i was little?" felix murmured, voice somehow even deeper than during the daytime.

"really? i'm honored!" changbin responded, saluting. felix rolled his eyes and punched his arm softly.

"you're a dork."

"yeah, but i'm a cute dork."

"yeah."

both were too tired to realize that felix had just called changbin cute. felix rolled over, back facing changbin.

"hey, bin?" he almost whispered.

"yeah, lix?"

both smiled at the nicknames.

"thank you," felix mumbled.

"for what?"

felix turned back towards his best friend.

"thank you for giving me a chance."

changbin smiled. he took felix's hand in his own and squeezed.

"of course! i'm always here for you, you know," changbin promised. felix knew. he nodded and closed his eyes. he opened them slowly. changbin could just barely see the tears that filled them in the dark, but he said nothing.

"bin, if i... wasn't, um, normal? no, abnormal isn't the right word... if i was something... uncommon, would you still be there for me?" felix's voice had almost a pleading tone to it, and changbin frowned in concern.

"of course, lix! through everything. i'll be there for you through everything," he swore. "you don't have to tell me what it is now, but just know you can tell me anything! i promise."

felix nodded, a tear sliding down his cheek. changbin was still holding his hand.

changbin understood that just because he hadn't fallen for felix didn't mean he didn't love him. and he had never loved someone more.

felix kept his eyes closed, and changbin eventually heard his breathing even out.

when he was sure felix was asleep, he whispered, "i love you, lix. you're my best friend, and you always will be."

and he meant it.

for as long as they lived, lee felix and seo changbin would be best friends.

 

  
the first time lee felix realized he trusted seo changbin with his life was one month before his 16th birthday.

"c'mon, lix, i swear there's a really cool view!" changbin begged.

"no! no, i am not sitting on a cliff with you," felix refused. changbin pouted.

"why not? live a little! don't you wanna live like larry?" changbin questioned.

"maybe you could've swayed me before, but now you have no chance," felix snorted.

"felix, i'm your best friend. i won't let you fall off the cliff! don't you trust me?" changbin pleaded. on the inside, he was smirking. felix definitely couldn't turn him down now. changbin could practically see the inner turmoil.

"well, yeah, i trust you, b-"

"do you trust me with your _life_ , lix?"

"i-i mean, i-"

"well, let's find out!" changbin was radiating happiness and mischief. felix groaned and allowed himself to be dragged along to whatever weird cliff changbin wanted to show him.

"it's only, like, a ten minute walk from here," changbin said. "through a forest."

"through a _forest_?" felix shrieked. changbin stared at him.

"yes. through a forest. that's what i said."

felix, of course, grumbled the entire way there, even when he secretly liked seeing the flowers lining the road. and he, of course, failed to hide his laughter when a squirrel ran across the path the boys were on and changbin screamed and fell backwards, afterwards attempting to use the excuse "i thought it was a bear! my scream would've scared it away if it was. you should be thankful, lix. i saved your life just now."

felix's response had been a simple "shut up, bin."

changbin did not shut up.

when the pair got closer to the cliff changbin was so excited to see, felix hesitated at the bottom. he was so scared of heights it physically _hurt_. he didn't know why, and changbin obviously didn't either, but while felix refused to even attempt to get over his phobia, changbin was determined to help him. changbin glanced over his shoulder to see felix, who had stopped and was now fidgeting in place. changbin sighed.

"lix, you coming?" he asked softly. he wanted to help felix, but he didn't want to make him uncomfortable. felix looked like he was about to ask something, but instead, he stayed silent and stared at the ground.

"did you wanna say something?" changbin tilted his head. felix took a deep breath. he said something so quietly that changbin could only catch the word "hand".

"what?" changbin stepped closer. felix tore his eyes from the ground and glared at changbin, but they were close enough that changbin knew he was just preventing himself from looking away.

"can you hold my hand?"

changbin bit back a laugh, and instead gave felix a reassuring smile.

"of course!"

changbin intertwined their fingers and started up the hill to the cliff. felix visibly relaxed.

when they got to the top, changbin stopped a bit further from the edge than he normally sat. he looked felix in the eyes.

"what are you doing?" felix murmured, cheeks ever so pink from the warm weather. one of changbin's hands rested on felix's shoulder, while the other remained in felix's own.

"just making sure you're okay," changbin responded. felix rolled his eyes and nodded.

"i'm fine! seriously, i'm fine." it was changbin's turn to roll his eyes. he hadn't missed the way felix was just slightly trembling. "now why'd you bring me up here?"

changbin smiled his beautiful, shining smile. felix's heart skipped a beat.

"we're gonna watch the sunset!" changbin announced. felix patted his head.

"okay, binnie."

 

 

as they waited for the sunset to begin, they spoke again. spoke like they had at the sleepover, felix's first sleepover, two months prior.

"bin, you know when you asked me if i trusted you with my life?"

"yeah! it's okay if you don't, i know we haven't even been friends for a whole y-"

"no, i do."

"oh. okay. okay! i'm glad."

both boys were smiling but neither were looking at the other. finally, changbin turned towards the boy who had become someone he could depend on. his best friend. without a doubt, the best boy he had ever met.

"i won't let you down, you know? i'll keep you safe," changbin promised felix. felix's cheeks were red, but changbin didn't notice.

"i know. i trust you, remember?" felix responded. he looked ethereal in the sunlight. changbin was about to speak again, but felix beat him to it.

"oh, look, the sun is setting!" felix's eyes were shining with something changbin had never seen before.

"that's so beautiful..." felix trailed off, lost in the view. pinks and oranges and yellows danced across the sky, a few wisps of clouds chasing the colors. the sun slowly sank behind the hills, its backdrop growing darker with each passing second.

"yeah, it is," changbin murmured, eyes never leaving felix; not even when felix noticed and turned away, blush the same color as the summer night sky.

"binnie?"

"yeah?"

"thank you for taking me here."

"of course, lix."

felix didn't complain at all as they walked back, even when changbin made him carry him on his back because "my legs are sore."

"what legs?" felix had retorted. changbin, already clinging to felix, had pretended to be asleep.

when lee felix was with seo changbin, he found that there was really nothing to complain about.

as long as they were together.

 

 

the first times lee felix and seo changbin came out were to each other after they ditched a party in the january before their 17th birthdays.

the air smelled like alcohol and sweat. people were grinding on each other, making out on every available surface, and the whole vibe was much... _grosser_ than what the two boys standing awkwardly in the middle of a room had been prepared for. they both knew they were too young and too soft to be here. changbin eyed felix anxiously. felix always hated crowds in tight spaces like this.

"lix, let's get outta here," changbin suggested. felix nodded gratefully, already separating the rows of people to make way for changbin. changbin scowled. although he knew felix was just trying to protect him, he hated being babied.

of course, this is felix we're talking about, so changbin let it happen.

 _"whipped!"_ jisung's voice echoed in his mind. changbin shook his head.

_like he's one to talk._

he let felix lead both of them outside. they began walking, no destination in mind. where they were going didn't really matter; they were fine just being in each other's company. for the first few minutes, neither spoke. the dark was comforting as silence enveloped them.

“lix, remember when i was your only friend?” changbin asked, nostalgia clouding his tone.

“yeah, i just made some more at, like, the beginning of the school year,” felix snorted. “it hasn’t been that long since i only had you.”

“well, yeah, but i was good enough, right?”

felix didn’t speak.

“lix?”

felix sighed. he stopped walking. changbin did, too.

“well, for the most part, of course. you’re my best friend. but sometimes... you know, you have other friends, you‘re busy sometimes, you just... couldn’t be there for me all the time! and i get it. i don’t blame you for that. it wasn’t your fault, it was mine, and i-“ felix rambled.

“hey, hey, it wasn’t your fault,” changbin cut him off softly. “i honestly don’t know what i was expecting when i asked you that, it would suck to only have one friend and i _know_ that, so i’m sorry. but it wasn’t your fault, okay? the people here... if they don’t like you, they’re seriously missing out.”

felix smiled. changbin put a hand on his shoulder, like he always did when he was trying to comfort felix.

“and if you ever need me, even if i’m with another friend, please tell me. i wanna be there for you.”

felix nodded. somewhere in the back of his mind, changbin knew he would never interrupt him if he was with a friend. even if he needed to.

“let’s keep walking.”

the pair moved on, soaking up the quiet.

“changbinnie.”

changbin raised an eyebrow. that was new.

“yes, lix?”

“let’s go to the cliff.”

changbin gave felix a surprised look.

“that’s the first time you’ve ever asked me to go! i always had to drag you up there before,” changbin laughed. felix grinned back at him.

“not this time.”

as they walked through the forest, every so often there was a break in the tree branches. the stars were so bright.

when they reached the cliff, felix sat a little closer to the edge this time. changbin bit his lip to keep him from smiling. he didn’t want to scare felix backwards.

felix was a lot like a cat. you had to be careful with him or he’d get scared, but once he’s comfortable, he’s the best companion you could have. changbin tousled his hair.

_he’s so cute._

“changbin, i need to tell you something.” felix spoke quietly. his voice sounded almost strangled. changbin heard his breathing pick up. he tilted his head, the way he always did when he was curious. he knew felix thought it was cute.

_he used my full name._

“okay! you know you can tell me anything,” changbin encouraged. he reached for felix’s hand, but felix pulled it away.

“you shouldn’t hold my hand for this,” he mumbled. he was obviously on the verge of tears. changbin wanted nothing more than to hold him, protect him from whatever he was going to say, but if felix didn’t want him to, he wouldn’t.

changbin nodded, uncertainty clear in his actions. “okay.”

“changbin, i’m...” felix swallowed. “i’m gay. i’m sorry, you probably think i’m disgusting...”

felix’s voice broke on the last word, and so did changbin’s heart. changbin blinked.

“felix, i know.”

“you _what?_ ”

changbin laughed and reached for felix’s hand again. this time, felix let him take it. he stared at changbin in shock and what seemed like betrayal.

“lix, you’re my best friend. when have you ever brought up a girl to me?” he questioned, trying and failing to stop giggling. felix blinked.

“well, you don’t talk about girls either!” he protested. changbin nodded.

“o-oh...” they both burst into laughter- one relieved, one happy to be trusted. changbin wiped a tear from his eye. he pulled felix into a hug. felix froze.

“lix, you’re the best person i’ve ever met. seriously. you’re so much stronger than i could ever hope to be.” changbin could feel felix try to protest, but he didn’t let him.

“no, listen. you... you went so long being completely misunderstood by everyone around us. hell, you’re even misunderstood now! but you don’t even _complain._ i don’t know how you do it. i would’ve lost it by now.”

“it’s because of you,” felix whispered. changbin’s eyes widened. he put his head on felix’s shoulder, arms still wrapped around him.

“that’s what i mean, lix. even now, when i’m trying to tell you how great you are, you’re still trying to make me feel better about myself. you’re so completely selfless. you’re so completely... _felix!_ i just adore you, dude. is that a weird thing to say?”

felix giggled.

“not at all.” he paused.

“binnie.”

“what’s up?”

“you’re my sunshine.”

“i’m your... your sunshine?”

“yeah. you’re my sunshine.”

changbin blinked.

“like... like that english nursery rhyme? isn’t that where that’s from?”

felix pulled away from the hug. he shrugged.

“i dunno. it’s what you are to me,” he said simply. changbin thought for a second.

“felix, can you sing it for me?” he requested. felix flushed.

“bin, i don’t know, i really can’t sing...” he weakly tried to object, but he knew changbin didn’t care whether he could sing or not.

“first of all, that’s not true. you’ve taken showers at my house before, my whole family can hear you.”

felix turned ruby red.

“second of all, even if it was true, i don’t mind. it’s you.”

felix looked away, ears burning.

“yeah, yeah, i get it. whatever, i guess i can...” felix took a breath. changbin propped himself up on his elbows, excitement clear on his face.

“you are my sunshine, my only sunshine,”  
felix began. his singing voice was quite a bit higher than his speaking voice. changbin closed his eyes.

_he’s so pretty._

“you make me happy when skies are grey,”  
felix continued, too afraid to look at changbin.

“you’ll never know, dear, how much i love you. please don’t take my sweet sunshine away...” he ended, voice shaking on the last word. changbin was smiling. he looked calmer than he had all night.

“felix.”

“what?”

“why are you so good at everything?”

felix hit changbin’s shoulder, but he was smiling.

“because i have you.”

“oh.”

“yeah.”

they twisted to look out over the cliff. changbin put his head on felix’s shoulder, and felix put his head on top of changbin’s. they fell asleep there like that. changbin’s last thoughts:

_my parents are gonna kill us._

in that moment, lee felix and seo changbin felt like the only two people in the world.

and they might as well have been.

 

  
seo changbin saved lee felix’s life the summer before their 17th birthdays.

there was frantic knocking at the door and panicked shouts from outside. changbin hurried down the stairs, confused and scared. he checked the curtains to see... felix? he ripped open the door.

felix collapsed in his arms. his bright, kind, selfless felix, collapsed in his arms with tear tracks staining his freckle-covered cheeks. his hair was a mess, like he had ran there. he was soaked from the rain pouring outside. there had been tornado warnings for the area earlier, and changbin found himself wondering if felix knew. he wondered if it would’ve mattered.

“lix?” changbin whispered. he felt a tear fall off the end of his nose and land somewhere on felix’s shirt. his clothes were ripped in certain places, like he had been jostled around. he didn’t have his phone in his pocket.

“MOM!” a sob was ripped from changbin’s throat. felix’s eye was black and blue, and his nose and bottom lip were both bleeding. there was a drop of blood crawling down his face from his hairline. he hugged felix close, so close. changbin’s mother ran in the room.

“binnie, what do you- oh. oh no.” her hands covered her mouth as her eyes went wide. “okay, stay calm, baby. get him in the car, we’re going to the hospital.”

changbin nodded and wiped away his tears.

_i’m sorry, lix. i promised i would protect you. i should’ve done better._

 

  
felix woke up about two hours after he reached the hospital.

changbin cried and held him again.

felix smiled through his tears and combed his hands through changbin’s hair.

they were okay.

they were okay.

changbin had to leave the room while felix explained what happened. he had never seen felix look so nervous, not even when they went to the cliff.

when he was allowed back in felix’s hospital room, he could tell felix had been crying again. his eyes were red and puffy, and he looked so sad.

so, so sad.

changbin didn't ask about what had happrned. he didn't force felix to talk about it. he just stayed by felix's side and cried with him, even if he didn't know what they were crying about. everything was easier together.

 

 

  
when felix was discharged and he went back to changbin’s house instead of his own, changbin didn’t ask. honestly, he barely thought anything of it. felix was hardly at his own house anyways. felix caught changbin’s eye.

“it wasn’t my dad,” he muttered.

“i didn’t think it was!” changbin protested. “you don’t have to talk about it.”

felix frowned. changbin couldn't tell if he was angry or frustrated or sad or a combination of the three.

"no, changbin, i wanna talk about it and i know you know i want to. you just... i don't understand how you can be so... good!" felix's words were strangely nice for sounding so angry.

"you treat me so well, you take care of me, you tell me everything's gonna be okay, and then when it's not i see you beating yourself up over it. do you really think i haven't noticed? it's not your fault! you are the sweetest person i have ever come across." felix took a deep breath. changbin was staring at him in shock, eyes like a deer in headlights'.

"but boys like you don't get treated like the beautiful people they are. boys like you get walked over, taken advantage of. boys like you... get stuck with boys like me." tears ran like streams. felix's throat hurt.

"boys like you don't deserve to be treated like anything less than the angels you are," he finished. his eyes closed. changbin could taste salt.

"why can't you tell me what happened?" changbin's voice was soft and broken. felix stole a glance at him. he looked the way he sounded.

"they saw you holding hands with me and i guess they took it the wrong way. i just got jumped, okay? it's not... it's not a big deal," felix muttered. changbin's throat closed. someone had hurt felix.

"ah. i see," changbin said shortly.

"bin, it's not a big deal, i just wasn't ready f-"

"you shouldn't have to be ready for that, felix!" now it was changbin's turn to yell. he was absolutely furious. "boys like you shouldn't have to be ready to be jumped!"

"don't use my own words against me," felix snapped, but changbin knew there was a part of him that was thankful changbin was there, whether he said it now or not.

"felix, stop thinking so little of yourself. i will tell you over and over again what you mean to me. you're my best friend, you're my other half! you helped me become who i am, lix," changbin insisted. he had too much to say and not enough time to say it.

"yeah, maybe they took me and you holding hands the wrong way, but someday you're gonna fall in love with a boy and you're gonna wanna hold their hand all the time and you can't let them do that to you!" changbin was sobbing, shaking with anger and hurt and fear. felix wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

"please, felix," changbin spoke into felix's neck. "please don't say it's not a big deal. the people who jumped you... they don't even know who you are. they don't know the real lee felix, which sucks because boys like you? boys like you deserve to be known. boys like you deserve to be listened to."

felix nodded, but changbin found himself wondering if felix heard a word.

the pair stayed like that for a while, warm and safe and complete.

"bin?"

"hm?"

"you're my sunshine."

"i know, lix."

"whenever i see a sunflower, i think of you."

changbin was glad felix couldn't see him blushing.

"i think of you when i see vegemite."

felix scowled and pushed the now-wheezing changbin away.

"bin, we were having a moment!" felix shouted in exasperation.

"but i think of you when i see vegemite, though?" changbin choked out. felix gave him a death glare. it wasn't scary.

when changbin had calmed down, he asked the question he'd been wanting to know the answer to all night.

"felix, why didn't you go home? why didn't your dad pick you up from the hospital?" felix sighed, as if he had been expecting the question.

“well, there are a couple reasons. my dad didn’t pick me up from the hospital because i told them your mom was my guardian,” felix explained. changbin nodded; he had figured out that much.

“i didn’t go home and i didn’t want to go home because my dad... he would’ve told me it was my fault. he would’ve screamed at me and told me i shouldn’t hold hands with boys. he would’ve told me i deserved it, and i... changbin, i can’t... i can’t hear that right now. i...” felix swallowed.

“you don’t h-“ changbin attempted to interject.

“i want to! i want to,” felix stopped him. “i... bin, have you ever... not wanted to be alive anymore?”

changbin thought for a second before shaking his head. he couldn’t remember a time where he had really, truly wanted to die.

“but you’re not weird!” changbin said, worried felix would think he was implying that those thoughts were unnatural. “tons of people think like that sometimes.”

felix nodded awkwardly.

“changbin, i... i did something i shouldn’t have done. i’m not gonna tell you what it was because i don’t think i can, honestly. i’m telling you this because i wanted t-to thank you,” felix forced out. changbin looked anywhere but the faded scars on felix’s wrists he had noticed when the conversation first began. instead, he gave him an incredulous look.

“thank you for what? lix, are you okay?” changbin shot out question after question. felix smiled fondly.

“i’m fine, bin. thank you for... you’re my reason to live, you know? without you...” felix trailed off. neither boy wanted to finish his thought. changbin felt himself begin to tear up.

“don’t thank me for that, felix. you know i’d do anything for you.” changbin gripped felix’s hands. holding hands seemed to be an effective method for calming the pair down, and after the first couple of times, neither thought anything of it. felix smiled at his best friend.

“i know.”

together, lee felix and seo changbin felt invincible.

and for the next year or so, they truly were.

 

  
lee felix and seo changbin had their first kiss on the christmas eve after their 17th birthdays.

“felix, get the fuck away!” changbin yelled frantically, attempting to kick felix’s controller away from him.

“stop cheating, then!” felix retorted, speeding right past changbin and into first place.

mariokart was always a fun time when playing it with felix and changbin.

“but when i don’t cheat, you win...” changbin reminded felix dejectedly, pouting as the race finished.

“i win whether you cheat or not,” felix replied cheekily. changbin scowled and turned away from felix. he wasn’t really mad- he just wanted to see what the taller boy would do to win his affection back.

“changbin.” felix poked his back.

“bin.” again.

“binnie.” again.

“changbinnie!” felix whined. changbin bit the inside of his lip. if he laughed, felix would win, and changbin hated losing. he expected felix to keep poking him until he got bored and apologized before letting changbin win a round.

what he didn’t expect was for lee felix to put his face directly in front of his own and do what he did best (and what always made changbin weak).

smile.

“binnie, you can’t stay mad at me forever!” felix reminded changbin, moving just a bit closer. changbin’s eyes darted to felix’s lips before looking away entirely. something was different today. felix looked even prettier than usual, and changbin was so tempted to tell him, but he knew he didn’t have the right words.

changbin stole another glance at felix’s lips. he was just slightly pouting. they looked soft. changbin’s heart was going faster than it ever had with felix before.

if felix noticed, he said nothing.

somehow, felix moved even closer. changbin could his heartbeat pounding at his chest, and he was sure felix could hear it. the tips of his ears were hot. felix just looked confused. he looked the way changbin felt.

“binnie?”

that broke him. changbin slowly turned back to felix, who was considerably closer than before. slowly, he leaned forward and planted a kiss directly on felix’s nose. felix blinked.

“wh-“ he was cut off by changbin pressing his lips to felix’s, with a desperation that seemed to say “please don’t let this be a bad decision”.

felix didn’t pull away, but he didn’t really do anything either. he didn’t deepen the kiss, he didn’t tell changbin to stop, he was just kind of... there; like he had no idea what to do or what he thought about the situation. changbin didn’t really know, either.

slowly, changbin pulled away from felix, eyes moving slowly upwards to meet the younger boy’s incredulous gaze.

“ch-“

“i’m sorry! i’m so, so sorry, lix, i wasn’t thinking and you were just really close, and i swear i haven’t thought about this before, you just look so nice today-“ felix looked down at his clothes: sweatpants and a hoodie he had gotten three years ago that was still too big for him. “and i’m so sorry if i made you uncomfortable, i completely understand if you hate me now, i’m so-“

“changbin.”

sniffle. “what?”

“shut up for a second.”

felix leaned forward and connected their lips again, softly and awkwardly and changbin smiled into it. felix tasted like hot chocolate and marshmallows and sugar cookies. he felt so warm. their eyes were closed, and changbin’s hands moved to touch the side of felix’s face. it felt good. it felt natural.

when they pulled back again, felix touched his lips and smiled. changbin was staring at him in shock.

“you... why...?” changbin asked him, voice soft and unsure.

“the first kiss was too short. you didn’t even give me time to process!” felix complained, and changbin let himself relax. felix was still felix. he hadn’t ruined anything.

“so you... was it okay?” changbin felt anxious and so, so confused. he just wanted reassurance.

“i mean, it was really awkward, but it was my first kiss, so i expected that. and it was with you, so i don’t mind,” felix answered, picking at a piece of fluff sticking out from the couch. he refused to meet changbin’s stare. changbin lifted his chin with his pointer finger, forcing felix to look him in the eyes. even though changbin was clearly less nervous, his heart was going a mile a minute.

“we can make it less awkward with practice if you want...”

“oh my god, that’s probably the worst thing you have ever said to me in our whole two years of friendship.”

the boys dissolved into laughter, breathing returning to normal and heart rates calming down.

“dude, you’re my best friend, you know that?” changbin murmured, arms wrapping around felix.

_no matter what, you’re my best friend._

“and you’re mine! we’re always gonna be best friends,” felix promised.

“even... after what i did?”

“i did it too,” felix reminded the shorter boy. “yeah. you’ll always be my number one.”

changbin grinned. “so will you let me be number one in mariokart now?”

“seo changbin, if you kissed me so i would let you win in mariokart and i find out, i will kick your ass into the next dimension.”

“... so anyway, let’s play!”

_“brat!”_

lee felix and seo changbin shared many more kisses, but they never put a label on their relationship. they were best friends. maybe a little more, certainly nothing less. “best friends” was good enough for them.

felix spent christmas at changbin’s house. it tasted like gingerbread and secrets and inside jokes and holding hands under the table when they ate dinner with changbin’s parents.

they would come to find later that they had taken that time for granted. however, in that moment, they couldn’t have asked for anything better.

 

  
lee felix and seo changbin had their first fight, their first _real_ fight, the first day of summer vacation.

changbin had definitely become clingier lately.

he knew this, he accepted it, but he still didn't know _why_. he and felix weren't in a relationship, but he wasn't concerned with felix falling for someone else. felix would tell him, after all.

and who was around? _jisung?_ yeah, right.

whatever the reason for the clinginess, changbin knew felix was growing annoyed by it. when they left school on the last day, they walked to changbin's house together, felix hugged changbin, and then he went back to his own home. changbin was surprised, to say the least.

"where's felix?" changbin's mom asked, glancing up as he entered the living room.

"oh, he went home," changbin replied nonchalantly. his mother looked as shocked as he felt.

"felix? lee felix? the kid who practically lives here? the one your dad complains about because we're not only feeding you, we're feeding your best friend as well? are we talking about the same felix?" she questioned in disbelief. changbin rolled his eyes.

"yes, mom! he went home," he said irritably, clearly as confused as she was. "he hugged me and then he left."

"oh, so you guys aren't fighting?" she asked, almost tentatively in case it turned out they actually were. changbin shook his head and shrugged.

"i'll just text him later."

now, lee felix wasn't one to ignore text messages, and especially not text messages from changbin. this time, however, he didn't respond. he didn't pick up changbin's calls, he wasn't active on any social media, he wasn't with any of his friends as far as changbin knew. after felix got jumped almost a year before, changbin had definitely become more protective of him. thinking back to the incident, changbin started to worry. he checked the time.

_10:36 PM._

"i guess i'll just check on him tomorrow," changbin muttered to himself.

he didn't sleep very well that night.

the next morning, changbin showered, brushed his teeth, and got dressed in a rush. he ran out the door, leaving behind a quick "i'm going to see felix!" before trying his best to walk like an average citizen to felix's house. he had only been there a handful of times, and all three were to walk felix to changbin's house when felix was either bored or feeling a little off.

when changbin arrived, he hurried up the steps and rang the doorbell, nervously moving from one foot to the other. there was a crash from inside, like something fell. felix answered the door a minute later. his hair was disheveled, and there were bags under his eyes.

changbin, of course, thought he looked adorable.

"felix? are you okay?" changbin asked worriedly.

"yeah, my shirt just fell," felix answered coolly.

"are you sure? it sounded a lot heavier than that."

"well, i was in it."

"oh."

changbin was left standing awkwardly in front of a half-awake, half-glaring felix.

"um... you wouldn't answer your calls last night, so i wanted t-"

"my phone was dead," felix informed changbin blankly. changbin felt weird. something was wrong.

"so... do you wanna hang out today?" he offered hopefully. by now, he knew felix was trying to keep a cold exterior. he wondered why. when he asked his question, though, he saw felix's expression change just for a second. he looked regretful. he was quiet, like he was preparing what to say.

"i need to talk to you."

 

  
the conversation had started calmly, anxiously, with changbin being beyond concerned at this point and felix looking more and more frustrated by the second. it had escalated rather quickly.

"bin, you're suffocating me!" felix was yelling. changbin was on the verge of tears.

"i'm an introvert! i just need time to myself every now and then, okay?"

"that's fine, felix, but don't just ignore me! you can't pretend like i'm not here..." changbin protested, throat tight with emotion.

"changbin, you just- you seem to have such a problem with letting me be alone. are you jealous? do you think i'm talking to people behind your back?"

"no!"

"are you sick of me and you're trying to convince yourself you're not? am i a charity case to you?"

"NO!"

"that's what it is, isn't it? you finally saw the worthless person i am, and now you just think you're stuck with me. well, i don't need you to t-"

_crash._

it was eerily quiet. changbin was shaking with rage at felix's words and horror at the broken lamp next to him. crystal tears fell, leaving trails chasing dust on the broken lavender ceramic.

"i'm really sorry about the lamp, felix. i'll buy you a new one. just... please don't say anything like that ever again," changbin apologized, voice strangely calm and contradictory to his appearance. felix was staring at the cracked lightbulb next to the lamp.

"i can't promise you that," he told changbin honestly. he sounded almost apologetic, but not sorry enough. his bottom lip trembled as he spoke.

"i know," changbin's voice was low; he sounded angry and miserable and so, so alone.

without felix, wasn't he alone?

"i need to leave," changbin stated blankly, his face and voice no longer giving away anything. felix nodded. changbin left the room. felix didn't follow. neither one of them understood just how much the other's heart was aching.

when changbin arrived home, his mother, who had been sitting on the front porch waiting to hear the story, gave him a worried glance. he gave her a weary smile and she knew. she stood and enveloped her son in a tight hug. he cried in her arms.

_this should've been with felix._

that night, changbin's mom made his favorite meal, but he couldn't eat.

_felix doesn't have anyone to do this for him. my felix... doesn't have this._

he tried to sleep, but he was kept awake with thoughts of what he had done.

_my lix._

he obsessed over what he should've said. for three days, he whispered everything he wanted to say to felix for only his ceiling to hear.

_is he thinking about me like this? ...do i even want that?_

five days after the fight, changbin was eating almost regularly again. his stomach still twisted when thinking of felix.

he missed him more than he had ever missed anything, and it had only been five days. he knew he needed to fix this. he knew he and felix needed to fix this together.

_what if felix doesn't even want to talk to me?_

_no. he'll talk to me._

changbin spent an hour thinking of a text to send felix. finally, he decided to leave the decision up to the other boy. he knew felix would want to make this choice on his own; he wouldn't want changbin to come to him.

the text was simple: "meet me at the cliff at midnight. if you miss me even the slightest amount, please come see me."

that night, at 11:30 PM, changbin began the ten-minute journey to the cliff. _their_ cliff. the air was warm and humid, and a bead of sweat rolled down changbin's cheek. he wasn't sure if it was from the heat or nervousness or both. he passed a lone sunflower, and he wondered how it had gotten there. felix's words echoed in his head.

_"whenever i see a sunflower, i think of you."_

changbin swallowed and kept moving, nerves making him jittery. the cloudless sky above him revealed stars and a bright moon. he took deep breaths in and out.

when he reached the cliff, he checked the time again. 11:45 PM. he had fifteen minutes before felix would (hopefully) arrive. he sat in the grass and listened to music. "timeless" by nct u was the first song to come on shuffle. he let his breathing go even as he melted into the music.

more songs played and changbin continuously checked his phone. at 11:59 PM, he paused "the unknown guest" by dean and let the world fall into silence again. his chest ached. he couldn't hear footsteps. he stood up just in case, waiting for his other half.

at midnight, no one came.

changbin let himself sink into the grass, disappointment and sadness flooding into his veins. frustrated tears leaked from his closed eyes.

_isn't it possible to fix this?_

he waited there for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only five minutes. any time spent without felix felt like an eternity.

six minutes past midnight, changbin heard a branch break and a deep swear came from somewhere close by. he shot up and furiously rubbed at his eyes. lee felix came tumbling into the clearing with a small rip on the left side of his shorts.

"sorry i'm late, i... got stuck on a thorn bush," felix muttered, red with embarrassment. changbin couldn't help but laugh in disbelief.

"you came," he whispered.

"no shit, sherlock," felix snorted.

_same old felix._

"felix, not that i don't want to joke around with you right now, but we need to talk. again," changbin reminded him. felix nodded. he really had no idea how well changbin knew him. changbin saw right through his cold tone and unfriendly manner. his eyes were filled with loneliness. he looked like he hadn't been sleeping. changbin was sure they must be thinking the same thing about each other.

_he looks like a mess._

changbin sat down again and invited felix to sit across from him. felix accepted, and he sat staring as changbin opened and closed his mouth, trying his hardest to remember what he wanted to say.

the first thing changbin said wasn't really a word, it was more like a strangled sound of regret.

if changbin had to describe the past week in one word, that's how he would do it.

felix raised an eyebrow, obviously waiting for changbin to begin. instead of beginning, though, changbin just burst into tears before choking out an "i missed you."

felix's face fell. clearly, as changbin was in no place to start, felix did it for him.

"changbin... i'm sorry for ignoring you. i know i was in the wrong, and i don't blame you for getting upset with me," felix apologized, getting straight to the point. "however, i c-can't keep bottling everything up forever. i'm sorry i let it all out on you, and i hope you know i don't think you deserved it. but... i can't promise it won't happen again. i'm really trying to get better, okay? but i can't make empty promises to you. you know i'd never lie to you. did... did all that make sense? i kind of lost where i was halfway through."

changbin smiled and nodded. he had stopped trying to control his tears. if he cried, he cried. he and felix were both crybabies; they were used to each other's emotions.

"so you... you still like me?" changbin asked hopefully, sniffling. felix sighed and smiled back at him.

"of course. you're my sunshine, you know? my angel."

"ah. right."

they sat there for a minute, just taking in each other's presence.

"felix," changbin began hesitantly, voice just noticeably shaking. "i'm sorry for not respecting your space."

changbin went over the words in his head, thinking carefully before each sentence.

"because you're an introvert and i'm an extrovert, i sometimes forget that you need a lot more time alone than me. but the reasons you said before... that's not why i've been clingier. i wasn't really sure myself, honestly, when we-" he hesitated. "fought."

"b-but i thought about it, and i... i just don't want to lose you, felix. we gotta go to college soon, and what if we don't get into the same school? i don't know how much time i have left with you, and i don't want to lose y-" he put his hands over his throat as a sob made its way out. "i don't want to lose you!"

felix finally gave in and moved closer, wrapping his arms around the older. changbin felt even smaller than usual. he had been truthful, though. he didn't want to lose his best friend.

"bin, you'll never lose me," felix whispered, voice gentle. "even if we don't go to the same school. i'll stay with you in some way, okay? we can text, call, facetime, anything. you won't lose me."

still changbin, bright, happy virus changbin, was crying into felix's shoulder. felix smelled like pumpkin spice and plants. changbin willed himself to relax.

"if i'm your sunshine, you're my stars," changbin hiccuped, and he moved back to look into felix's eyes. they were soft and warm, just like him. "you are every single star in the sky."

felix's smile faded and he held changbin again. changbin knew it was for felix this time. felix needed this.

"bin, please listen closely, okay?" felix asked. the desperation in his voice made changbin nod instantly. "changbin, someday i'm gonna be gone. i don't know when or how or if it'll even be before you, but from now until the end of your life, remember this, because someday i'm not gonna be able to keep saying it."

changbin nodded slower this time, burying his face into his best friend's neck.

"you are the best person i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. your heart is made of gold, and i don't even feel like i deserve half of the things you do for me. most people wouldn't deserve it, honestly. the person you are... i can only describe you as beyond imagination. angelic. you are someone who was put on this earth to give life to the people around you, and you couldn't be doing your job better. not just with me, either. i see your friends when they're with you. their smiles are so genuine, and before, i just had to wonder what you could've said to them to make them that happy. and now that i have you, i don't think you had to say anything. it's just your presence. you're just... you're so beyond beautiful, changbin. i would... i'd be dead without you. without a doubt, i wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you," felix sighed. changbin felt himself finally drift off into sleep.

 

  
"...if it wasn't for you," felix sighed. his heart was racing from everything he had just said. he was about to start again when he was interrupted by soft snoring from the boy who seemed to have crawled his way into felix's lap. felix blinked slowly.

"bin?"

no response.

"i... okay. well, i'm not carrying you back this late at night, so i guess we're sleeping here again," felix murmured. felix stood and let changbin lay in the grass. he stepped carefully over to the bush they had hidden a blanket behind after their third time accidentally falling asleep there. felix shook it out over the cliff to make sure there were no bugs sticking to it before setting it out on the grass. he lifted changbin (which wasn't at all difficult) onto the blanket and then laid down next to him. changbin stayed fast asleep.

"goodnight, binnie. i... i love you."

the world went quiet as the moon watched over them.

lee felix and seo changbin slept better than they had all week, laying there together. in some sense of the word, they were soulmates. they truly did love each other with every ounce of themselves.

eventually, they realized how much time had been wasted during their fight. somehow, though, the fight was necessary to their relationship’s development.

and when it came time to look back, neither would’ve changed a thing.

 

  
seo changbin realized he couldn’t live without lee felix on the may 14th after their 18th birthdays.

this story isn’t really a story; there’s not much to tell. changbin and felix were sitting in the clearing on top of the cliff, _their_ cliff, listening to music and eating the food they had brought with them. the sky was the perfect shade of blue, and birds the same color provided gentle natural sounds to complement the soft r &b flowing from felix’s phone. changbin was rambling about something that had happened at school. it wasn’t important, but felix was listening intently as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever heard.

“and then he, like, uppercutted the other dude or something and you know what he said?” changbin was saying excitedly. felix shook his head.

“his voice was all deep and he was like, “don’t mess with jisung.” and i _lost_ it! oh my god, he was so cool. for a split second i could see why jisung fell for him, and then i remembered that it’s lee minho and i completely forgot again,” changbin ended. felix snorted, choking on his capri sun. instead of helping as felix hacked up his lungs, changbin moved backwards and dissolved into laughter.

“it’s not-“ cough. “funny!” felix whined, laughing a bit as well.

“then why are you smiling?” changbin choked out between wheezes. felix glared at him, trying to keep a straight face. obviously, he failed.

everything was good. it was _beyond_ good. changbin and felix had each other, and it was in that moment that changbin realized he didn’t need anyone else. if felix was with him, he was okay.

_i wonder if felix feels the same way._

changbin moved closer to felix again and took both of his hands in his own. he took a breath.

“lix, i think i’m in love with you.”

felix stared at him in shock. his mouth was hanging slightly open.

“you... me...?” was all he could get out, frozen to the spot.

“yeah, lix. me and you,” changbin murmured. he was scared, and he didn’t know what this reaction meant, but felix was still holding his hands. he felt warm.

“i... me too.” was all felix could get out. today, that was good enough. changbin planned to get it out of felix eventually.

“i-i’m really sorry-“ felix started to stutter once he realized what he said, but changbin shook his head.

“no, it’s a hard thing to say. trust me, i know,” he chuckled. felix looked away, obviously upset.

“felix, i’m not gonna fall out of love with you right away just because you didn’t say it back. don’t feel pressured to, okay? we’ll get there.”

felix nodded, almost to himself, and glanced back up. he moved forward and kissed changbin on the cheek before whispering a sweet “we’ll get there.”

lee felix and seo changbin were happy. in that space, on that cliff, there was enough happiness to make up for a million lifetimes.

they just didn’t know they’d need it yet.

 

  
the last adventure lee felix and seo changbin had together took place the next day.

neither boy would ever say it but, there was a sort of uneasiness in the air. under the pure, comfortable positivity that came as a result of their togetherness, there was an anxiety that neither understood.

it remained until the source was revealed.

so painfully revealed.

changbin and felix were walking back from their cliff, hands swinging, lazy smiles plastered on both of their faces. they were graduating soon, together. they had gotten into the same college, changbin majoring in music education and felix not too sure yet. both were nervous but looking forward to their future together. felix hadn’t said he was in love yet, but changbin was expecting it to take time. when he was ready, changbin would ask felix to be his boyfriend.

“lix, we should try and find stuff for our dorm,” changbin commented, thinking about college life. felix nodded, smiling at changbin. changbin felt butterflies.

when they saw the person asleep at the wheel, they were far too late.

the car had been coming up a hill, the boys just over it. there wasn’t even time to see it.

_how is this fair?_

changbin screamed. felix couldn’t move. they stood there together, two seconds stretching into decades. changbin saw his entire life go by, and that’s when he realized he didn’t really start living until he met the boy who stayed with him until the end.

_is this the end?_

when they were hit, that was the only question changbin asked.

_is this the end?_

their interlocked fingers separated one

by

one.

there was nothing.

 

  
seo changbin couldn’t feel anything. his eyelids felt glued shut.

_open them. please, you have to open them!_

he couldn’t say anything. there were yells. changbin knew they were talking about him, but he couldn’t register a single word. he could see lights flashing through his eyelids. he was falling. he was falling faster and faster, and he could feel his heart stop beating. he felt everything slow. he felt, he was feeling. he could feel enough to know it was only temporary. his last words to felix spiraled into the nothingness waiting for him.

_i’m sorry, felix. i broke my promise. i said i’d be there for you through everything, but now... i’ll be there for you in a different way, i guess. are you still alive? god, i hope so. i... i had so much i wanted to do with you. my life wasn’t supposed to be over today. our lives weren’t... this is so cruel. we’re soulmates. forever and always, we’re soulmates._

_i’ll see you in the stars, my lix._

and seo changbin let go.

 

  
lee felix woke up screaming. it hurt. it hurt so badly.

his entire body was sore, but he didn’t care. he could barely feel it. he needed changbin.

_changbin, changbin, changbin._

felix’s eyes closed again.

unlike changbin, he was still breathing.

lee felix was alive.

 

  
when lee felix woke up again, he could open his eyes. he could open his mouth. of course, he only had one question to ask.

“where is seo changbin?”

the nurse looked at him sympathetically, and felix had never felt so angry in his life.

_how dare you look at me like that. you don’t know who i am, and you have no idea who changbin is._

“where is he?” felix croaked out. he was so tired. it hurt.

“i’m so sorry, mr. lee. your friend didn’t make it.” the nurse’s voice was soft and sickeningly sweet. felix closed his eyes. he knew he was crying, but he didn’t make a sound.

_liar._

“are you s-sure?” he forced out, already knowing the answer. his head spun.

“i’m sorry.”

the nurse left the room, leaving felix behind. he watched her go with hatred in his eyes. it wasn’t her fault, but someone had to be blamed, and the driver wasn’t there.

_my changbinnie..._

felix let himself drift away again.

 

  
changbin’s mother took felix home from the hospital three days later. both of them were a wreck, breaking down at random times for reasons different but so, so similar.

they had loved seo changbin. seo changbin had been taken from them.

felix helped plan his service. they were not doing a viewing, as neither felix nor changbin’s mother wanted to see their baby’s body after what it had gone through. they were inviting changbin’s friends and family.

felix wanted sunflowers everywhere.

he, of course, spoke at the funeral, along with jisung and another of their friends, chan. felix knew jisung and chan had both been quite close to changbin, but there was a silent understanding that no one knew him better than felix did.

felix’s speech went as follows:

“seo changbin was my best friend. he... he _is_ my best friend. there’s no “was”. he wouldn’t have wanted that.” he paused to rub at his eyes. he didn’t want to cry this early on.

“he isn’t just my best friend, though; he’s the love of my life. i thought the concept of soulmates was stupid until i met him. he changed my life, he changed my view on everything. he taught me what it meant to have a positive outlook.” felix saw jisung crying into lee minho’s shoulder. he felt a twinge of jealousy.

“he w- he _is_ the sweetest person i have ever met. i don’t think i’ll ever meet another person like him. he... he’s my sunshine. he’s my angel. he’s my earth, my moon, he’s every single _fucking_ star in the sky.” felix took a deep breath, attempting to keep his anger inside. he was doing this for changbin. everything was for changbin.

“i don’t think i believe in heaven, but if there is one, there is no doubt in my mind that seo changbin can be found there. he didn’t deserve to d-die this early.” that word hurt so badly.

“we did everything together. my favorite memories are all with him. he saved me from ruining my own life before it had even begun.” there was a sob from changbin’s mother. a lone teardrop fell onto the card felix was reading off of.

“my only regret was never telling him that i was in love with him. i never said the words. i never felt like there was a right time to say them, even when an opportunity was so perfectly presented. now i know that i should have. you never know when... you never know when it’s gonna be too late. if you have something you need to tell someone, that’s my wish to you. please tell them before you don’t have the option to.” felix swallowed. this would be the hardest part. he looked up through tears that threatened to fall before choking on the lump in his throat. he couldn’t cry yet.

“finally, to changbin. this won’t be the last time i talk to you, so don’t expect to hear everything right now. i want to tell you i’m sorry, but i also went to tell you that i’m thankful. i’m so thankful to you. i felt you push me. even though the car didn’t completely avoid me,” he winced as he became acutely aware of the dull ache in his bones, “you kept me alive. i lived so i can speak for you now and tell you everything i wish i would have said. thank you for keeping your promise and protecting me until the very end.”

he finally let his tears fall.

“my binnie, i’ll always be your lix.”

when felix had finished, he stepped away and almost immediately into jisung’s arms.

“i’m so, so sorry, felix,” jisung sobbed, shoulders shaking. felix forced a small smile, patting his back.

“it’s okay, sungie.” the hug was nice, but it wasn’t changbin.

it would never be changbin.

 

  
changbin’s body was buried on their cliff. his parents knew where it was so they could go visit him, and felix promised them that this was what changbin would want.

felix bought fake sunflowers and planted them around his grave, next to the real flowers that had grown there. like always, there were dandelions and violets. felix remembered making flower crowns there with changbin.

everything hurt.

exactly one month after changbin passed, felix went to visit him as he did every day.

“hi, binnie,” felix sighed. he sounded so, so tired.

“i feel like i’m going crazy. i know i miss you. i miss you more than i’ve ever missed anything. in fact, i don’t think i knew what it was like to truly miss something until i lost you.” changbin couldn’t see him, and felix was glad for that. the light in his eyes had gone out, and he knew it.

“i’m here for a different reason today, but i need to tell you something else before i tell you that.”

felix listened to the bluebirds. his eyes fluttered shut. this had always been one of his favorite sounds. today, though, he didn’t really feel much of anything. his voice was quiet as he spoke.

“i know i couldn’t tell you i was in love with you while you could still hear me. that haunted me every day. every single day, i asked myself, “why couldn’t you do it?” and i never had an answer. but today... today is different.” felix smiled. he smiled a real, genuine smile for the first time since the last day he had seen changbin.

“today, i know why i couldn’t say it before. the day we first talked, i told myself this would never happen. i told myself i would never, never have feelings for you. i think i couldn’t tell you because i didn’t want to break the only promise to myself i had ever kept. now, that’s unimportant. today i can say it. i am in love with you, seo changbin. i am so undeniably in love with you. i am so in love with you that i can’t, that i don’t _want_ to live without you. without you, my life has no meaning. i’ve been living without meaning for one whole month.” the smile dropped from felix’s face.

“you saved my life, you know. you saved my life a countless number of times without even knowing.” felix let out an empty chuckle.

“of course,” he remarked bitterly. “give the kid who wants to die the only thing he needs to live and then strip it away.”

he turned his head, looking away from changbin’s grave. the edge was so tantalizingly close. there was, of course, an ulterior motive to his love being buried here. he stood up slowly, and he had never been so sure of what he wanted.

“binnie. my binnie. i want to see you again,” he whispered. each fallen tear felt like a bullet through his heart. he took shaky, uneven steps towards the thing he had been so afraid of. changbin had helped him be brave enough to step foot up here, and now that he wasn’t here, felix knew no limits. his toes hung over the edge. he was so tired.

he smiled the smile changbin had adored one last time, and he knew he had no one left to smile for.

“i’ll see you again soon, sunshine.”

and finally, lee felix let himself fall.


End file.
